Otter, Lion, Golden Retriever or Beaver?

What personality type is your young one?

If you have read my post on ‘Passion Pushing or Sharing the Goodness’ then you already have a fair idea about what I’m like when it comes to sport and competition. I was recently part of a workshop talking about resilience in children, and it recalled the old matter I had about personality types, namely the Myers-Briggs personality model.

My son is a big unit for his age, the size that many folk presume equates to a child a couple of years older than he is. This then is sometimes followed by the comment that he’ll make a heck of an All Black. This is somewhat of a contradiction to reality. This has nothing to do with his physical attributes but elements of his personality that makes me prouder than if he were to be an All Black. We join other families on a Saturday morning at Rugby Tots. He is pretty sharp off the mark, outstanding at zig zagging and takes great delight in watching me race off after his ball once he’s kicked it the length of the room. The personality I am referring to is best illustrated in how he plays the games they guide us through. Cowboys and Indians to start with, this is a gauntlet style activity where the cowboys race through a channel whilst the Indians are kicking foam balls at the them. Last one standing wins. My boy waits until the others have past before he kicks the ball safely out of harms way. The best example is tag rugby. He won’t take the tags off the other boys. When I asked him why, he whispered into my ear that it is snatching. Every week this happens with the strongest example being the Saturday just gone. Two boys face off with about 10 yards between them. When the whistle goes they have to sprint to the ball and the first one that dives on it wins. After 3 attempts my son would stop short of the ball until the other boy had caught up and dived on the ball. The fourth time I had encouraged him to get the ball highlighting it was part of the game and okay. This time he raced down and secured the ball and proudly brought it back to me. The other boy was beside himself and being consoled by his mum and one of the coaches. My son then turned around, jogged to the other side of the room and handed the ball to the upset young man. Every part of me a proud dad. I would suggest my son is very much a Golden Retriever. I am only too aware having seen lots of interactions with other children, that as parents we need to be mindful of the implications of being a retriever and how this informs elements of our parenting.

That is the very point of these personality type examples. To encourage us as parents to simply observe, listen and explore our young ones as best we can. Developing an awareness of our childs needs through celebrating strengths and acknowledging areas that would benefit from monitoring and developing.

Have a look at these and just explore, even if you think it doesn’t fit your young one then have some fun defining your own animal, car, plant… whatever.

Otterotter

Imaginative, easily distracted, creative, dramatic, ideas, spontaneous, entertainers… these are often the children with ‘imaginary friends’ or who you see in the Spiderman outfit!  Putting them in ‘time out’ often not effective as they really don’t care that much. Reward them with fun and praise them for originality.

Beaverbeever

Practical, punctual, precise. A fan of rules, lists and step-by-step instructions. Likes structure and to get things right the first time. Children will often play ‘real’ games like shop, restaurant… and aim to draw pictures realistically rather than imaginatively.

lionLion

Direct and competitive, strong-willed, assertive. Likes to be treated as an equal, they don’t like authority. Yelling and putting them in ‘time out’ won’t work. You need to stay calm, involve them in decision-making and give them some responsibility.

Retrieverretriever

Caring, affectionate and empathetic. Likes to keep everyone happy (sometimes at the expense of themselves), likes to follow the rules and be ‘good’, needs praise and encouragement and to feel special. Can be loyal to a fault. Just the mention of being put in ‘time out’ will often result in good behaviour as they don’t like to be separated from the group or to be ‘bad’.

So, which one is your young one, better still which one might you be and how can this inform how you parent?

 

You Get What You Look For

Two children, two different approaches. The first child stands in front of you and you direct them to ‘head outside and somewhere on that sports field you’ll find $20’. This young one then turns and heads on over towards the sports field. The second bowls on in and you deliver a different instruction, ‘head out there and somewhere on that sports field you’ll find some rubbish’. For both children they are instructed to bring what they are tasked with finding back to you. Which one do you think will complete the task in the quickest time and with a slight spring in there step? Secondly, which is more likely to find the rubbish and which is more likely to retrieve the money. To be fair, i’ll eliminate two variables that many school staff or parents will be quick to highlight. No, the second one doesn’t slide down in the seat and stage a sit in, and thanks to the impressive building budget, the sound proofing is second in impressiveness to only a Sony recording studio, so the second is unaware of the $20 floating around outside. The point: You get what you look for. This principle remains a struggle in many schools and families. Why? well, perhaps we haven’t come as far as we would have liked, from children are to be seen and not heard, and the understanding that we are the adults so if i say, you do. We all know that that in many situations this simple and wonderfully hopeful mantra is destined for a less than positive outcome.

discipline

We do love our consequences, and for 98% of young folk that works, heck it works for everyone. If we were to as much as see a car in the distance flashing its headlights, we slam on the breaks and look with an indescribable intensity for the mobile speed camera, so we can glare and shake our heads with suitable disapproval. Most of us are more than eager to conform to social expectations and the notion of what is right and wrong. Reigning this in from my own drive home from work this afternoon to working with our young ones. The challenge we face is the 2% ‘ers, for which consequences are entertainment rather than a deterrent. I believe it is so important to then delve deeper into the function of the behaviour but for many school staff and parents it is paramount we change tact, as if you do what you always have done, you continue to see the same outcome. This makes little sense, and quite possibly reinforces the behaviour and damages the relationship that could potentially be the best opportunity for positive change.

lifting the lid

We can modify behaviour  by challenging the children to lift the lid. That is lifting the lid of their expectations of themselves, as well as challenging ourselves to lift the lid of our expectations of the child and limitless and being available to see the enormous potential of the children. This requires retraining the children and adults that connect with each other to acknowledging the positive steps and embracing positive steps forward towards a better outcome.

One example i’d like to offer is terribly simple but continues to work without failure (touch wood). Get your conduct books or daily report cards out and have a look at the wording, tone and direction. So, look for what the booklet or strategy is aiming to highlight. Is it catching the negative behaviours for the student to then carry around for the day or celebrating moments of positive behaviours in the hope that it reinforces what you want to see and hear? Who is taking responsibility for the behaviour? Are you enabling change or disabling change?

It doesn’t take long to flip the approach so it is both enabling positive change, and the responsibility for behaviours is positioned with the right person, the student or child themselves. This objective can then be supported  by adults.

So, you get what you look for. Expect the student or child to raise their own expectations of themselves and lift the lid in terms of reaching their potential. Quite possibly the greatest challenge is to refresh/retrain the adults to search for, capture and acknowledge the positives. Damned hard at times, but worth it, especially when investing in the long game.

 

 

Monkey: Return to Sender

When someone told me I could not only read a whole book in an afternoon, but that it would be a professional life changer, I had to see for myself. So, I read it, ‘The One Minute Manager Meets the Monkey’ by Ken Blanchard. Awesome, on a number of levels that I’m sure will prove versatile in meeting the needs and expectation of most readers. For me, the principles continue to inform both my personal and professional lives, heck even my parenting.

Now, it wouldn’t take a genius to suggest that referring to your employees or colleagues as monkey’s may well not be the best move you can make. That is not at all the context or positioning of the book. The monkey refers to ‘the next move’, not a personal dig at all. The message is a proudly positive one of empowerment for both you and those around you all.

monkey off back

It is my, your, our task to deal to our own monkeys and not owning the stress, anxiety or pressures of someone elses’.

I was reminded only this morning of a simple example of this in my own parenting. Like many families our morning routine is filled with action, organised chaos and excitement at the prospect we could all leave the house on time with a skip in our step and nothing going amiss. Quite a while ago now we celebrated the proud landmark of our toddler getting himself dressed. With immense pride we would walk him to day care, the shops, well just about anywhere to share this occasion with everyone and anyone. I am aware that from the untrained (slightly judgmental) eye, this may in fact look more like shoddy (even careless) parenting, as his T-shirt would be back to front, shorts inside out and shoes facing outwards. Regardless, he dressed himself and that is awesome, high fives all round. The point; my son’s monkey (next move) was getting himself dressed. This was one less monkey for us which dramatically reduced the number of times we forgot our keys or lunch. So developmental benchmark achieved for our son and some breathing space for his mum and dad.

One morning we found ourselves dressing our son, it had developed over a couple of weeks, but due to our own monkeys, our patience had reduced, therefore it was just quicker for us to get him dressed. When I realised this and set his clothes out, expecting him to simply continue to complete a task he was more than capable of achieving, he didn’t, instead tears and the prone position became the default. And in the blink of an eye I realised that monkey had been masterfully returned to his parents. We had inadvertently not just added a money to our own back unnecessarily, but dis-empowered our young fella from feeling able and competent at dressing himself. To then get frustrated with him for not dressing himself with efficiency and the right way out and colour matched would be completely unfair.

The most powerful step towards changing this momentum was and is to stop, take the stunned monkey off your own shoulders before acknowledging and naming it. In this case, if it’s not your monkey, make sure the right person has it, if it’s yours, then act on it and don’t try to fob it off to some kind-hearted rescuer, or inpatient parent, boss or colleague.

If you take on other people’s monkeys you are disempowering them in the long-term. Reinforcing a dependence on you, which is a bit of a slap in the face to the other persons own resilience and capabilities.If you hand your own monkey onto others then be prepared for short-term gain , long term loss.

The challenge and yet rewarding part can be reorganising the monkeys, so own those that are yours and support others to own their own, the earlier the better. This has always got to be developmentally appropriate and within the competency of those involved in the first place, so getting my young one to day care is my monkey not his for example.

What does this look like for a manager?crazy office monkey

A team meeting where you leave with all the actions needed whilst your team are left twiddling their thumbs until you have actioned their ‘next step’. A lot of work and stress, and it’s not even your own. If each team member leaves with their own monkey then you celebrate their strengths and competence, and therefore their confidence to grow and make energetic strides forward. Everyone is a winner when done appropriately and well. As a manager your time can then be spent on innovation and growth, which is a big deal no matter where you work, whether at a school or as a company CEO.