10 Unmindful Road Blocks

Yes – To be fair, no can be just as unmindful. Yes, makes the list as it can certainly bring opportunity, freedom, joy, excitement and a lot of other really awesome thoughts, feelings and experiences. It is saying Yes when you shouldn’t, and handing over time, action and priority to meet someone elses needs, expectations or deadlines as more important than your own.

Maybe / Perhaps – It suggests inaction and uncertainty. Within reason it is either something to commit whole heartedly to as authentic to your hopes, passions and needs. Otherwise, it is something that may not connect with your own values, beliefs, needs and/or expectations. It therefore either heck yeah or not for me thanks.

There – Momentum with ‘there’ is a societal beast and continues to increase in its power. It is the idea of being anywhere and everywhere, but not here and not now. If we are always heading towards a ‘there’, we will never be present in the ‘here’ and I imagine never actually jump of that conveyor belt enroute to somewhere else.

Tomorrow – Never forget yesterday, but always live for today, because you never know what tomorrow may bring, or take away. So, Carpe Diem isn’t just a ‘go to’ tattoo, but a pretty could point.

Should – The expectation placed on yourself by an assumption of the perception of others. It is living in a place of otherness and pursuing what you should do rather than what you would like / need to do. You should get engaged, you should get married, you should have kids, you should go for a promotion, you should have a bigger house and on and on.

But & However– (I’m putting these together)- negates everything that precedes this statement. It’s like a word perfect apology to a partner or friend or colleague that is delivered and lands wonderfully. “But….you did start it with”. Know what needs to be said and said with honesty and maturity.

Can’t – Go with “Not Yet” instead. There are too many folk out there that are pretty quick to define what you aren’t or what you can’t do. So, don’t join in the mindless, useless and often uninformed script and celebrate and shout out loud (figuratively speaking that is) your strengths, abilities and potential.

Too Busy (Cheating with two words here)- Society has high praise indeed for busyness, whether it is real or just being busy telling folk how busy we are. We absolutely need to stop, look, listen, breathe and be truly present in that space and moment. There really is no excuse as we should take absolute responsibility and ownership of our decisions and what we choose to do or not to do.

A is for Anger

A is for Anger!

We know what it is, but what pushes our buttons?

What fears, griefs, insecurities…past hurts?

Understand your anger and you can overcome it.

Anger might make you enemies, but enemies don’t make you angry. Your thoughts do.

Control them and everything will be just fine and dandy.

1. Think before you speak

In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to say something you’ll later regret. Take a few moments to collect your thoughts before saying anything — and allow others involved in the situation to do the same.

2. Once you’re calm, express your anger

As soon as you’re thinking clearly, express your frustration in an assertive but nonconfrontational way. State your concerns and needs clearly and directly, without hurting others or trying to control them.

3. Get some exercise

Physical activity can help reduce stress that can cause you to become angry. If you feel your anger escalating, go for a brisk walk or run, or spend some time doing other enjoyable physical activities.

4. Take a timeout

Timeouts aren’t just for kids. Give yourself short breaks during times of the day that tend to be stressful. A few moments of quiet time might help you feel better prepared to handle what’s ahead without getting irritated or angry.

5. Identify possible solutions

Instead of focusing on what made you mad, work on resolving the issue at hand. Does your child’s messy room drive you crazy? Close the door. Is your partner late for dinner every night? Schedule meals later in the evening — or agree to eat on your own a few times a week. Remind yourself that anger won’t fix anything and might only make it worse.

6. Stick with ‘I’ statements

To avoid criticizing or placing blame — which might only increase tension — use “I” statements to describe the problem. Be respectful and specific. For example, say, “I’m upset that you left the table without offering to help with the dishes” instead of “You never do any housework.”

7. Don’t hold a grudge

Forgiveness is a powerful tool. If you allow anger and other negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice. But if you can forgive someone who angered you, you might both learn from the situation and strengthen your relationship.

8. Use humor to release tension

Lightening up can help diffuse tension. Use humor to help you face what’s making you angry and, possibly, any unrealistic expectations you have for how things should go. Avoid sarcasm, though — it can hurt feelings and make things worse.

9. Practice relaxation skills

When your temper flares, put relaxation skills to work. Practice deep-breathing exercises, imagine a relaxing scene, or repeat a calming word or phrase, such as “Take it easy.” You might also listen to music, write in a journal or do a few yoga poses — whatever it takes to encourage relaxation.

10. Know when to seek help

Learning to control anger is a challenge for everyone at times. Seek help for anger issues if your anger seems out of control, causes you to do things you regret or hurts those around you.

Goal Setting: Old Dog, New Tricks.

Goals, should reach way beyond realistic!

Quick Quiz, in terms of goal setting: – 1. What does SMART stand for? Bonus prize for SMARTER. Pretty quick quiz indeed, but I reckon most folk will know most of:

smarter-goals

I’m aiming for this to be my shortest post yet, so best not waste words telling you that. It is more of a question than anything else.

The question is; Should the goal be Realistic? one problem is it would mess up a long lived acronym for a start, but lets put that aside.

As a sportsman and previously a PE Teacher and coach I have taught a lot of young and old ones all about SMART goal setting and it remains in most exam papers still. Many years on I feel a tad guilty about that, as my message was, ‘have a goal but reign it in a bit though aye’.

I’m reading a book called ‘Unleashing Greatness’ by David Galbraith. A New Zealand Sport Psychologist that practices based on Pathway 1 (The Pathway of Courage) and isn’t a fan of Pathway 2 (Self doubt or fear of failure). He strongly believes that ‘realistic’ shouldn’t be included, rather an exploration and striving towards a dream is embraced rather than reigned in.

I happen to think that makes perfect sense  and agree. Placing a parameter such as realistic puts an instant glass ceiling on the goals you are setting. I understand there are a few justified arguments for keeping realistic in goal setting. However, I definitely favour the opportunity to support others and myself to reach beyond what you ever thought possible or a safe bet. As with this mindset, the sky really is the limit, so reach for it, and refuse to settle or listen to the inner voice and external noise.

Knowing When to Hold on Tight or Let Go?

An earlier post ‘let it rip’ gave a bit of an insight into where this one may be heading.

I had the good fortune to be in a lovely MRI machine yesterday. Oh, it is a sweet pleasure indeed…maybe not, but it got me ‘pondering’, again.

There was the awkward moment where I misheard the radiologist say “everything except for your boxer shorts”, what I heard was “everything but especially your boxer shorts need to be jettisoned from your fine physique”. Fortunately the radiology gown, some quick movement from me and a lazy eye from the operator saved any embarrassment. Well, until the damn gown kept getting stuck and I was lying with my legs spread directly in the viewing line of the radiographers.

What could I possibly have been pondering at such a magical time I hear you ask?

As a counsellor or with self development, is it best to ‘go to town’, which means really invest in the situation, problem or challenge? Or… look elsewhere to clearer paths and brighter skies in the hope the crap stays in the past if we race forward faster enough?

I was lying in this machine that was about 10 inches from my face. In support of this confined space I was then placed in this helmet thing that offered about an inch of space from my face. I was in this tight space for over an hour with this god awful banging and buzzing throughout the whole thing – and that was just the radio station that they were playing, but the machine made a far louder and definitely more intense acoustic version. All of this had been preceded by lots of information and questions about being claustrophobic. Well, I wasn’t until they asked that many times that I was soon feeling less than happy, as to be asked that many times could only mean that I should be freaking out so therefore perhaps I should oblige.

As a disclaimer my approach is solution focused, CBT, Mindfulness on a firm base of person centered counselling. When I work with trauma I do work along a narrative approach to explore unhelpful or inaccurate scripts before explore where clients need and want to go. There is a very strong emphasis and understanding in counselling that you rock up for a session and keep rehashing the crapness of what is going on and then it will eventually become less crap. An image that keeps coming to mind which possibly offers an insight into the weird and wonderful world of my mind is someone sitting in a bath of shite. So, would I ask that person to sit, savour, smell and taste the brutal and quite disgusting texture and reality that you are sat in a bath of your own shit. If you are made to sit in that bath for an extended period of time then you will continue to add to the mess that you are sat in. This then reinforces a sense of guilt, shame, frustration, anger etc. in yourself. Or, would it be useful for the person to take a moment to acknowledge that, yes they are in fact sat in a pile of shite, before exploring a preference of whether to step out and clean up or to commit further to the exploration of the situation. It’s a timing thing, I believe anyway.

Back to the MRI machine. How I dealt with it is perhaps one strong contender of how to approach ‘stuff’ or being ‘in a bath of shite’. That is, I acknowledged where I was, but I also clarified the whens, whys and hows etc. to reduce anxiousness through eliminating the unknowns. I then reassured myself that there was an end in sight, I simply had to get in and on with it and tap into my coping toolkit. I took my mind elsewhere, it in no part meant that I was running away or in denial of where I was or what I was experiencing. It was investing my energy and effort into where I wanted to go rather than amplifying the crapness and claustrophobia of where I was.

To summarise. This is again the pondering of a lifelong learner and curious mind of a counsellor. Primarily it is the ramblings of someone in pursuit of wellness and what this looks and sounds like for me but also those I interact with professionally and personally.

Like ‘letting it rip’ I do wonder if we absolutely acknowledge where we are and the challenges which we are faced with. I am leaning towards an increased investment in time and energy in exploring where we want to be, and then ‘going to town’ on how we get there, and stay there through developing resilience and an ability to cope along the long journey of life, not just one step at a time. That is not for every person and every challenge, but would certainly relate to a massive majority of my own challenges and the clients I work with.

How? It’s taking a holistic approach to a healthy lifestyle with wellbeing at the front, middle and end. Connectedness with self, with others and our environment. It’s diet, exercise, mental health and a positive excitement and optimism about your potential and what that may look and sound like and how it would positively ripple in to the lives of those you care about and anybody else that comes in to contact with your contagious awesomeness.

Wellbeing: Don’t Stop Asking Questions!

Do you and all your perfect imperfections!

This post is intended to provoke thought around personal wellbeing and how to start asking the right questions, knowing that the answer is and should be another question..not particularly helpful so far?

The pursuit or exploration of personal wellbeing is big, loud and growing, this is easily seen in the bulging book cases in the ‘Self Help’ sections of most bookstores or the growing industry that is corporate wellness. The pursuit of personal wellbeing when embraced as yet another goal to be dealt to in this fast paced modern way of life is unfortunately fraught with danger. The first step is to define your own unique personal wellbeing, not trying to fit the mould provided by someone else, regardless of how many PhD’s they have or positive testimonials they print on the back of the book. This journey must be original and authentic.boy meditate

‘Finding yourself’ doesn’t necessarily involve a Harley and growing your hair long in the hope that it will bounce with youthful fullness, consistently covering the receding hair line that continues to race with each year away from your face. Neither is it a two year spell of solitude and silence in a Tibetan temple. The beauty however, is that heck it may well be, that is the uniqueness that is the journey of exploring your awareness of self.

Keep doing you in all its perfect imperfection!old man bike

Games and our Kids: Silence isn’t always Golden.

Knowing what our kids are playing and taking a second to think of the implications, now and later.

Well, I don’t know where to start on this because I don’t know where it would finish or even if it could finish without writing a novel.

‘It’s awesome! If you finish the level quick enough then you can kill the baby when its still sleeping and upgrade your gun!” This came out of the mouth of a six-year-old child I was seeing as a counsellor. I had been called into a school to help improve the behaviour of some challenging wee ones. To give a bit of context, I’d barely sat down and asked how the week had gone so far. The game is called Duck Hunt (search duck hunt horror – if you see the red eyed dog, you have found a version) and he put an impressive amount of energy behind reenacting how to move and shoot with speed and accuracy. Now, my generation will remember that game as one where you shot ducks as they flew across the screen. Its not that one! I didn’t believe what he was telling me at first, so I looked into it and quickly found what he was playing. He was right! It starts quite harmlessly as a basic shoot’em up (birds) game, before it quickly enters a room with a family all sat in a lounge. Depending on which family member you shoot will dictate which gun you upgrade to. The graphics are damned realistic too. This is just a game that this six-year-old fills a bit of time with and far from the worst he plays. The exception, absolutely not!

I am a counsellor working with kids from 5 upwards as well as the grown-up work I do. I have been doing this for over a decade and therefore believe I have a pretty fair reflection on what is going on purely from experience rather than from afar in a research paper. I have seen a direct correlation with behaviour challenges to the games used. I intentionally didn’t say technology as that isn’t the case at all. Demands on parents are increasing and work patterns have changed massively. On my way back from a run or the gym at about 6.30am day cares are already receiving their first drop offs.

With this increased busyness and kids that by the very fact that they are kids are a bundle of fun, energy and thirst for time and entertainment. Digital devices are gold for keeping young ones still and quiet. They are however, far from safe. Any parent will tell you noise (within reason) is the norm, but silence – that will get me jumping up to see if the boys have drawn on the wall or hand fishing in the toilet. It is kind of like that with kids and games, just because they are out of your hair for 5 mins don’t start celebrating until you know for sure what they are up to.

Firstly, I am completely pro technology and certainly see its abundant benefits. Having access to information is invaluable, especially when in academic land and completing research.

This post is raising a flag on how technology is used by our kids. It’s a bit of common sense really, but I get how life can result in a few blind spots.

  1. First, have a think on what your values and beliefs are.
  2. Explore what they may look, and sound like for you and then your kids.
  3. Then take a look at the games that they have, regardless of age. You pick what is appropriate for your kids not the games company or censorship committees. Google the highest-ranking games in the world right now- well keep tracking back over the last 10 years- it’s the same result. Every one of the top games is a shoot ‘em up and the graphics are bloody realistic.  Grand Theft Auto is a cracking example. Pull over, once you have evaded police, and then kill as many people as possible to get some money. You get even more money depending on how creative you are in your murder. Not to mention the rewards for killing female characters.  Then ask, how does this look compared to my image of the values and beliefs I thought of earlier. What is it normalising and desensitising our children to? As an ex police officer, I have seen my fair share of the dark side, murder and violence. Maybe that’s why I might be a tad ‘sensitive’ and ‘overprotective’, or maybe not.
  4. Take a second. You are at a barbeque with some friends. You see your wee angel playing with a few other wee angels. You listen and look a bit closer. One of the other kids pretends to shoot your angel in the head with a gun whilst shouting ‘take that biatch!’. In the meantime, the other kids want in on the action and pretend to kick the crap out of your little angel because they too can get some points if they inflict a bit of damage too. They then turn on one of the other kids shouting, “now you can be the police” we are gonna f.&k you up! Would you smile and nod to one of your friends and smile before sharing a “kids aye” moment? I think not.
  5. Fortnite– the latest global phenomena game- is not unheard of by any means with many of my young and old clients.

Social media and the role in the lives of our young ones is a beast in itself that I’m sure I’ll talk about at some point. When it comes to computer games, it is really simple. How does the game look compared to your own family values and beliefs? We all make our own decisions, and these are my thoughts. They are however thoughts based on working with young ones for nearly 20 years and the last 10 specifically with child and adolescent mental health. I absolutely see a direct correlation between behaviours and the types of games and amount of time spent playing them.

As parents, but as adults and a society we really need to take as much responsibility of the safety and wellbeing of our children and future when they are sat in front of screens as we do when they are not. We can’t be too surprised or p’d off with the kids behaving in a way that is pretty out there. We need to step up first and then see what happens with behaviours and some very shaky wellbeing.