Otter, Lion, Golden Retriever or Beaver?

Personality types, your young one and you. What does it look and sound like, and how might this influence your parenting?

What personality type is your young one?

If you have read my post on ‘Passion Pushing or Sharing the Goodness’ then you already have a fair idea about what I’m like when it comes to sport and competition. I was recently part of a workshop talking about resilience in children, and it recalled the old matter I had about personality types, namely the Myers-Briggs personality model.

My son is a big unit for his age, the size that many folk presume equates to a child a couple of years older than he is. This then is sometimes followed by the comment that he’ll make a heck of an All Black. This is somewhat of a contradiction to reality. This has nothing to do with his physical attributes but elements of his personality that makes me prouder than if he were to be an All Black. We join other families on a Saturday morning at Rugby Tots. He is pretty sharp off the mark, outstanding at zig zagging and takes great delight in watching me race off after his ball once he’s kicked it the length of the room. The personality I am referring to is best illustrated in how he plays the games they guide us through. Cowboys and Indians to start with, this is a gauntlet style activity where the cowboys race through a channel whilst the Indians are kicking foam balls at the them. Last one standing wins. My boy waits until the others have past before he kicks the ball safely out of harms way. The best example is tag rugby. He won’t take the tags off the other boys. When I asked him why, he whispered into my ear that it is snatching. Every week this happens with the strongest example being the Saturday just gone. Two boys face off with about 10 yards between them. When the whistle goes they have to sprint to the ball and the first one that dives on it wins. After 3 attempts my son would stop short of the ball until the other boy had caught up and dived on the ball. The fourth time I had encouraged him to get the ball highlighting it was part of the game and okay. This time he raced down and secured the ball and proudly brought it back to me. The other boy was beside himself and being consoled by his mum and one of the coaches. My son then turned around, jogged to the other side of the room and handed the ball to the upset young man. Every part of me a proud dad. I would suggest my son is very much a Golden Retriever. I am only too aware having seen lots of interactions with other children, that as parents we need to be mindful of the implications of being a retriever and how this informs elements of our parenting.

That is the very point of these personality type examples. To encourage us as parents to simply observe, listen and explore our young ones as best we can. Developing an awareness of our childs needs through celebrating strengths and acknowledging areas that would benefit from monitoring and developing.

Have a look at these and just explore, even if you think it doesn’t fit your young one then have some fun defining your own animal, car, plant… whatever.

Otterotter

Imaginative, easily distracted, creative, dramatic, ideas, spontaneous, entertainers… these are often the children with ‘imaginary friends’ or who you see in the Spiderman outfit!  Putting them in ‘time out’ often not effective as they really don’t care that much. Reward them with fun and praise them for originality.

Beaverbeever

Practical, punctual, precise. A fan of rules, lists and step-by-step instructions. Likes structure and to get things right the first time. Children will often play ‘real’ games like shop, restaurant… and aim to draw pictures realistically rather than imaginatively.

lionLion

Direct and competitive, strong-willed, assertive. Likes to be treated as an equal, they don’t like authority. Yelling and putting them in ‘time out’ won’t work. You need to stay calm, involve them in decision-making and give them some responsibility.

Retrieverretriever

Caring, affectionate and empathetic. Likes to keep everyone happy (sometimes at the expense of themselves), likes to follow the rules and be ‘good’, needs praise and encouragement and to feel special. Can be loyal to a fault. Just the mention of being put in ‘time out’ will often result in good behaviour as they don’t like to be separated from the group or to be ‘bad’.

So, which one is your young one, better still which one might you be and how can this inform how you parent?

 

Counselling & Technology: More Than Just a Gimmick!

Does counselling work? Well, only if there is a client in the room, otherwise its just an awkward silence between me, myself and I.

Engaging with a client is one thing, nurturing and maintaining a therapeutic connection is where the ‘good stuff’ happens. So, it’s agreed, good counselling does work when the client turns up and better still comes back.

This wee post is about points of initial connection (PIC’s). It is not a trick or mind play, for me its simply a reflection of the details I consider to make the space and time as comfortable for the client as possible. My intention and hope is that they quickly shift from going to see the Counsellor, towards the realisation that they are in fact catching up with Tony.

room-new

Now, here is a picture of my office and you’ll notice a few bits and pieces from the Phrenology head to a picture of my son. With a quite intentional variety in between they will quite often acknowledge the thing that connects with them. These can offer a quick conversation where we both get to cautiously , yet confidently find the point of resonance where everybody is relaxed and ready to go.

Anyway, I do digress a bit. If you look again at the picture above you’ll see something that draws attention from every adolescent (and most adults) that step into my room. That is the Star Wars Force Trainer on my bookshelf. The idea of this device is you put a small headset on that measures brain waves (i’m not so sure about this, as I rather think it goes off your pulse), but the outcome is the same. The harder you concentrate, the stronger the fan and therefore the higher the ball floats within the tube. Not to mention you get Yoda in the background cheering you on. As with anything like this, it had to be imported as NZ haven’t quite accessed this field yet. It has been an incredible hit!

I have many examples of how this toy has proven invaluable in supporting positive change for some of my young clients. For example one 7 year old came to see me wyodaith a report of significant behaviour issues, both at home and school. He was very much on his last warning after no real change post a couple of Ed Psych visits. This young man was oozing character, personality and a heap of energy, which I could see wouldn’t make for Mr Popular with his teachers or peers. We had talked-and performed- the relationship between thoughts, feelings and behaviours (CBT). There was a deep narrative behind the status quo. The ‘Yoda’ machine, which he called it, made an appearance to highlight how the relationship between the thoughts and behaviours could be seen tangibly. With ongoing exploration of the feelings, we could monitor and celebrate progress. Now, it is a toy, a great one, but a toy none the less. So was it monitoring progress, not so much, but it was serving as a powerful anchor to maintain momentum with everything else we discussed. 8 Months on he continues to be a popular member of the class and has a better relationship with his teacher. Even if the only thing it could have offered was a genuine understanding of the interrelation between thoughts, feelings and behaviours, then i’ll take it. Better still, he had fun and therefore talked….alot.

It appears particularly powerful with students presenting with significant anger. anger-icebergAgain, it offers a tangible rationale for ‘whats the point?’ but equally an absolute focus and calmness that brings them absolutely into the space we are in, and therefore in a better state to explore the ‘anger iceberg’.

Is it a gimmick? not for me, and certainly not for my clients. It is another example of how technology can be used to facilitate the counselling process with young ones. As with everything in a counsellors toolkit, you introduce and offer it if and when appropriate and purposeful to the session.